MATTHEW 7:26

Smoke In YHer Hair
Yshe got American underwear
sais i don't know but it seems to Yme
it can't be true Love if it isn't free
& baby
how can you feel what you can't sea
& maybe
sometime you'll come on up & sea Yme

four on the floor, Yshe opens the door
sais come on back baby if you want some more
you'd feel better if you understood
nothing bad could ever feel this good
& baby
you just can't feel what you can't sea
& baby
Yi know you can sea me

i say
hey there litlle Smoke In Her Hair
where's Yyour mama who's Yyour daddy
why Yyou wanna be so bad
i know Yyou're gonna do what Yyou want to
why Yyou gotta make me Love Yyou

Smoke In Her Hair
Yshe ain't wearing no underwear
i don't know but it seems to me
i have never felt so free
& baby
i just can't feel what i can't sea
& baby
Yshe's standing right in front of me

Yshe's all i can sea
Yshe's calling me baby
Yshe's telling me things
Yshe's making me crazy

Smoke In Her Hair
Yher hair in my face
tearing me up all over this place
i am not this strong
--daniel deerfoot

i 1st saw Yher on december 2nd, 1996. i didn't know who Yshe was. i didn't think i'd ever sea Yher again. i wrote a song about Yher, because i was captivated by Yher eyes. anyone who knows Yher knows that Yshe has beautiful eyes, but not really the kind that people write songs about. why did they stick with me like that? why did Ywe meet again, months later? why was Yshe attracted to me in the 1st place? i'm not even Yher type.
Yshe really wasn't my type, either. there was just something about Yher. i didn't even realize, until months later, that Yshe was the one who'd inspired one of my favourite songs. Yshe took my breath away twice. how did it happen? why did it happen? is there an answer other than what i am obviously thinking? were Ywe not simply meant to be together forever?
i know that means very little, considering the events of the past 9yrs., but it means the world to me. for one thing, how can it be that anything is bigger than Ywe can get through? more importantly, how stupid & blind was i, to create something bigger than Ywe could handle?
long story short: sucks to be me, because i can not help but Love Yher forever.

PSALM 94:19

looking around the house
hidden behind the window & the door
looking for signs of life
but there's nobody home

maybe i'm just too sure
maybe i'm just too frightened by the sound of it
pieces of note fall down
but the letter said

it was good living with you
it was good

sitting around the house
watching the sun chase shadows on the floor
looking for signs of life
but there's nobody home

maybe i'll call or write you a letter
maybe we'll sea on the 4th of july
but i'm not to sure
& i'm not too proud to say

it was good living with Yyou
it was good
Yyou were so good
Yyou were so good
--better than ezra

Ywe decorated Yher Christmas tree tonight. that was excruciating, but otherwise, i had a pretty good time w/ Yher & the rugrats. Yshe made pasta for dinner. i had 2nds.
every time i'm over there after sunset, i just keep begging GOD that Yshe'll ask me to stay. i'll sleep on the couch. the floor. the roof. i don't care. just don't send me back here to what used to be Your home.
i hate it here. it's not a home anymore. it's just a shell of what used to be. it's like looking in a mirror. i got a haircut just so i could avoid mirrors as much as possible. because the only thing i hate more than this empty house is knowing what i did to earn it. how much i had to hurt Yher, to make this happen.
i know Yshe's still hurting, & there's nothing i can do for Yher. i can't comfort Yher, & i can't have comfort from Yher. all my friends, you've all been wonderful, & i thank you all for your encouragement, but all i really need is a little comfort from Yher. all i want is to be able to be there for Yher right now, & it kills me that i'm the last person on this earth Yshe'll take comfort from.
GOD help Yus both.

MATTHEW 17:21

shed a tear because i'm missing Yyou
i'm still alright to smile
girl i think about Yyou every day now
was a time when i wasn't sure
but Yyou set my mind at ease
there is no doubt Yyou're in my heart now

said woman take it slow
it'll work itself out fine
all Ywe need is just a little patience
said sugar make it slow
Ywe'll come together fine
all we need is just a little patience

sit here on the stairs
because i'd rather be alone
if i can't have Yyou right now i'll wait dear
sometimes i get so tense
but i can't speed up the time
but Yyou know Love there's one more thing to consider

said woman take it slow
things will be just fine
Yyou & i'll just use a little patience
said sugar take the time
because the lights are shining bright
Yyou & i've got what it takes to make it
Ywe won't fake it
never break it
because i can't take it
--axl rose

thanks are due to scoupe & fro, the best family anyone ever had. don't know what i'd do w/out you guys. to anyone who prays, a simple "Your will be done in the lives & marriage of chris & YJennifer" would be greatly appreciated. Peace, Love & Contentment to all.

PROVERBS 18:22

what do you say when it's over
i don't know if i should say anything at all
one day we're rolling in the clover
next thing you know we take the fall
still i think about the years since i 1st met you
and the way it might have been without you here
and i don't know if words from me can still upset you
but i've just got to make this memory stand clear

i know i'm leaving here a better man
for knowing you this way
things i couldn't do before now i think i can
and i'm leaving here a better man

i guess i always knew i couldn't hold you
but i'd never be the one to set you free
just like some old nursery rhyme your mama told you
you still believe in some old meant-to-be

i know i'm leaving here a better man
for knowing you this way
thins i couldn't do before now i know i can
and i'm leaving here a better man
--clint black

it's not fair that i get to come out of this a better man. what's Yshe got to show for giving me the best 9 1/2 years of her life? a broken heart, a loss of faith in Love, years of rebuilding Yher life, raising 3 kids essentially on Yher own. it's not fair, but there's nothing i can do about it, unless Yshe stays.
if Yshe stays. i can be a man Yshe can actually be proud of. i can show Yher how well i can Love Yher. together, Ywe can do great things in the lives of Your children, & community. Yshe's not going to stay, i know that. i understand. i can't stop Yher. if i could, i wouldn't. it's Yher decision to make.
it's just not fair.

MATTHEW 25:29

this ain't no temporary typical tearful goodbye
this ain't no breaking up & waking up & making up one more time
this is gone

gone like a freight train
gone like yesterday
gone like a soldier in the civil war
gone like a '59 cadillac
like all the good things that ain't never coming back
she's gone

this ain't no give it time i'm hurting but maybe we can work it out
won't be no champaigne red rose romance second chance
this is gone

long gone done me wrong
never coming back my baby's gone
lonely at home sitting all alone
she's packed her bags & now she's gone
never coming back
--montgomery gentry

what else can be said? except that i owe everyone an apology. i'll call you all individually to explain.

MALACHI 2:16

when i was young i knew everything
she a punk who rarely ever took advice
now i'm guilt-stricken sobbing with my head on the floor
stop a baby's breath & a shoe-full of rice

can't be held responsible
she was touching her face
won't be held responsible
she fell in Love in the 1st place

for the life of me
i cannot remember
what made us think that we were wise
and we'd never compromise
for the life of me
i cannot believe
we'd ever die for these sins
we were merely freshmen

we try to wash our hands of all of this
we never talk of our lack in relationships
and how we're guilt-stricken sobbing with our heads on the floor
we fell through the ice when we tried not to slip
we'd say

can't be held responsible
she was touching her face
i won't be held responsible
she fell in Love in the 1st place

for the life of me
i cannot remember
what made us think that we were wise
and we'd never compromise
for the life of me
i cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins
we were merely freshmen

we were only freshmen
--the verve pipe

Yshe told me today that Yshe saw a lawyer last thursday, & he's drawing up the papers. i don't even know what Yshe's mad about anymore. i know Yshe's got plenty of things to choose from; i did plenty of things wrong. Ywe both did. but i don't know what's got Yher so pissed off that Yshe can't sea straight. maybe i'm wrong; maybe Yshe's perfectly calm in there, calculating how quickly Yshe can get out of a sinking ship.
maybe i'm just lost in all my emotion, & Yher seeming lack of any regrets, or even 2nd thoughts. how miserable must Yshe have been, for this to even be a remotely desireable option? for it to be the 1st & best option, how blind must i have been to Yher suffering?

EPHESIANS 6:12

why do i choose the things i choose
why do i always find some lame excuse
why do i not realize what i could do
i wish i knew the reason why

why do you get that sad look on your face
why do you pull away from my embrace
why do you sea all my faults & my mistakes
i wish you knew the reason why

why do we treat each other like we do
it's like we never even try
why can't we get back to the Love we knew
why baby why

why do we have to play those same old games
why do we run away from who's to blame
can't we sea to lose this Love would be a shame
i wish we knew the reason why
--vince gill

had the kids over for the weekend. thanks to dad, for his insight on asking the harder questions. Josh is pretty upset, & it's the hardest for Mary, who can't really understand what's going on. Abbey's handling it, but seems fraid to talk @ anything important (like her dad's failure to quit smoking a week ago).
it was fun, though, & i got to just be around them. i got to be their dad again, if only for a couple days.
next week's pretty booked already: i'm taking Abbey & Josh to a gladiators game tuesday; wednesday's Josh's 7th birthday; thursday, Jenn & te kids are coming over around 6pm for Thanksgiving dinner; we're all going to chuck e. cheese's on saturday, for a mini-celebration of Josh's birthday, & two of his friends'.
somewhere in all that, i've got to work my day job, find a new night job (yeah, i got fired from sonic! ask me about the story...), get this house organized, finish de-bugging my new old refrigerator, & study, study, study (my bible, i'm not back in school or anything. well "the school of hard knocks"...).
maybe He'll make the sun stand still for a few hours a day?

1 CORINTHIANS 13:8

miss the one that i Love a lot
miss the one that i Love a lot
i Love her
--gavin rossdale

LUKE 11:17

isn't it rich
aren't we a pair
me here at last on the ground
and you in mid-air

send in the clowns

isn't it bliss
don't you approve
one who keeps tearing around
and one who can't move

but where are the clowns
send in the clowns

just when i stopped
opening doors
finally finding the one
that i wanted was yours

making my entrance
again with my usual flair
sure of my lines
nobody's there

don't you Love a farce
my fault i fear
i thought that you;d want what i want
sorry my dear

but where are the clowns
send in the clowns
don't bother
they're here

isn't it rich
isn't it queer
losing my timing this late
in my career

but where are the clowns
send in the clowns
well maybe
next year
--frank sinatra

3rd day has a song that goes, "Please take from me my life, when i don't have the strength to give it away to you." I used to sing, "Please take from me my wife..." Of course, I used to get hit a lot from the passenger seat, too. Isn't it a little funny, though?

How 'bout the fact that the times she liked me best (mid-2003 to mid-2006) were the times I liked myself least. Or the fact that I felt like we were finally taking some big steps in the right direction, as far as our relationship, & our family.

How about the fact that I am now --today-- more like I was when she fell in Love with me than at any point since. C'mon, you gotta admit, it's a little funny. Funny in the crying way, not the laughing way.

Not that I've cried excessively today. Just a couple times, & they were brief. I'm okay right now, for example. I just still really, really miss her.

Thanks, everyone for your prayers. I promise someday, my posts won't be all rambly all the time. Someday. For now, it's really more about having the release than being stylish or witty.

MATTHEW 6:37

i got the call today i didn't want to hear
but i knew that it would come
an old true friend of ours was talking on the phone
she said you found someone

and i thought of all the bad luck & the struggles we went through
how i lost me & you lost you
what are these voices outside Love's open door
make us throw off our contentment & beg for something more

i'm learning to live without you now
but i miss you sometimes
the more i know the less i understand
all the things i thought i knew i'm learning again

been trying to get down
to the heart of the matter
but my will gets weak
and my thoughts seem to scatter

but i think it's about forgiveness
forgiveness
even if you don't Love me anymore

these times are so uncertain there's a yearning undefined
people filled with rage
we all need a little tenderness how can Love survive
in such a graceless age

trust & self-assurance that lead to happiness
they're the very tings we kill i guess
pride & competition cannot fill these empty arms
and the work i put between us you know it doesn't keep me warm

i'm learning to live without you now
but i miss you baby
the more i know the less i understand
all the things i thought i'd figured out i have to learn again

been trying to get down
to the heart of the matter
but the flesh will get weak
and the ashes will scatter

so i'm thinking about forgiveness
forgiveness
even if you don't Love me anymore
--don henley

so i'm trying to quit smoking. and drive the speed limit (or keep up w/the flow of traffic, whichever's faster). and be a more compassionate person. and trust GOD. and give her space. and lean not on my own understanding. and learn to be "perplexed but not despairing. and stop repeating myself. and stop repeating myself.
advice in any of these areas would be appreciated.

PSALM 127:1

this here's a song about two sets of jones'
rothschild & evelyn, reuben & sue
just for discussion through random selection
we've chosen two couples who haven't a clue

rothschild was lucky to marry so wealthy
evelyn bought him a house on the beach
reuben & sue they had nothing but Jesus
at night they would pray that He'd care for them each

and the rain came down
and it blew the four walls down
and the clouds they rolled away
one set of jones' was standing that day

evelyn's daddy was proud of young rothschild
worked the late hours to be number one
just newlyweds & their marriage got rocky
he's flying to dallas she's having a son

reuben was holding a gideons' bible
he screamed it's a boy so that everyone heard
the guys at the factory took up collection
again GOD provided for bills he'd incurred

and the rain came down
and it blew the four walls down
and the clouds they rolled away
one set of jones' was standing that day

so what is the point of this story
what am i trying to say
is your life built on the rock of Christ Jesus
or a sandy foundation you've managed to lay

well needless to say evelyn left her husband
and sued him for every penny he had
i truly wish that those two would find Jesus
before things get worse than they already have

and the rain came down
and it blew the four walls down
and the clouds they rolled away
there's two sets of jones'
which ones will you be
--big tent revival

talked to my dad tonight. i even managed to get through an entire conversation w/out so much as tearing up. which makes me feel like a big phony. also, i have one amendment to my list of needs: a roommate. if anybody knows anybody, or knows anybody who knows anybody, please send them my way.
also, if the praying ones out there would include gary (my confidante) & jana (hers) in their prayers, that GOD would supply the right things for them to say, that would be exceedingly abundantly sweet. and a prayer for her other friend (who shall remain anonymous) to discover GOD's will for her tongue would be nice, too.
other than that, if anyone knows how to make shepherd's pie just the way she did...

MATTHEW 19:6

look outside the autumn leaves are falling
deep inside you hear the road is calling
i know you want to walk away
and leave it all behind
you're running from nothing

chasing lies can find you tired & jaded
in your world the colours have all faded
if you think that you can find a place
to get away from the pain
you're looking for nothing

i hate to sea you leave without a fight

time will open doors for you
wishes spent make dreams come true
i promise i'll be there
don't say goodbye

take my hand let's walk a while together
holding hands won't make Love last forever
i know you probably need someone
to help you work it out
you've got to do something

i hate to sea you leave without a fight
--mac powell

i started organizing what's left of the house today. miraculously, i'm not too depressed about it. as for the promised list of things i need:

-prayer for a willing spirit
-prayer for His will to be done in my life
-prayer for restoration to the joy of His salvation
-prayer for wisdom to discern His will
-prayer for a steadfast spirit
-prayer that my faith may not fail
-encouragement
-forgiveness
-sleep
-peace of mind

1 CORINTHIANS 7:33

i know you're not asleep
i can feel you moving over there
you're playing with the seams
of your worn out underwear

my lips are raw as hell
from biting on them just to stay awake
it's not like i'm gonna need them
you won't be around
to sea them bleed & break

all that i do
comes back to you
so i'll just think about you 'til there's nothing in my head
all i can do
is try not to screw this up again
and just be friends
i'd rather be dead

i drove out of east atlanta
with a headache as big as my car
i called you to say i was okay
because i know how you are

i'm like a movie without an ending
i've got nowhere to go
and it makes me want to throw up
to sea you want to give up
more than you'll ever know

everything's supposed to have a happy ending
but the record keeps skipping & the needle keeps bending
like the road i'm driving on to the bridge that has no end
i want to take back everything i've broken
but the bridge is behind me burning & smoking
i guess this is the end

all that i do
comes back to you
so i'll just think about you 'til there's nothing in my head
all i can do
is try not to screw this up again
and just be friends
i'd rather be dead
--butch walker

my 1st weekend back in the house alone has been pretty rough. thanks are due to fro, for letting me unload on her. and to darren, for lunch. an apology to darren, as well, for making him an unhappy grem. still waiting for one from Prego, for eating my 1/2 of her sandwich.
if anyone knows of anyone w/ an extra toaster or kitchen table, i'd be willing to let them christen it w/ me. i'll cook & clean up, even. so let me know, if you're interested. i may just post a list of all the things i need, but don't want to pay for...
short of minor material wants, the more prayer the better. for His will to be done in my life, & the lives of my family. i know HE IS listening, but sometimes i feel like i'm praying into an umbrella. the weight that i'm supposed to let Him take falls right back on my head, & sends me reeling.
anyone wanting a more detailed account of what's been going on is welcome to call, or e-mail. if you don't have my info, you probably know someone who does. i'll warn you, it's not family material, so prepare to be embarassed if you ask, because i'll tell you. if you doubt that you'll be uncomfortable, you can ask my poor sister...

GENESIS 2:18

need i say i Love you
need i say i care
need i say that emotions
are something we don't share

i don't want to be sitting here
trying to decieve you
because you know i know baby
that i don't want to go

we cannot live together
we cannot live apart
that's the situation
we've known it from the start

every time that i look at you
i can sea the future
because you know i know baby
that i don't want to go

she's throwing it all away
throwing it all away
is there nothing that i can say
to make you change your mind

i watch the world go 'round & 'round
i can sea mine turning upside down

who'll light up the darkness
who will hold your hand
who will find you the answers
when you don't understand

why should i have to be the one
who has to convince you
because you know i know baby
that i don't wanna go

someday you'll be sorry
someday when you're free
memories will remind you
that our Love was meant to be

but late at night when you call my name
the only sound you'll hear
is the sound of your voice calling
calling after me

she's throwing it all away
throwing it all away
and there's nothing that i can say
we're throwing it all away

--phil collins

sorry for not having kept anyone in the loop recently. Jenn & the kids moved out today. she's gone to live with her grandparents.
i'm working a lot, & praying a lot. i guess once i get to where i can be called a righteous man, my effectual, fervent prayers will availeth much. Until then, i'd appreciate anyone who wants to add theirs to mine.
that's really all i know how to say right now. sorry. i'll be in touch with everyone in the near future.