ISAIAH 40:31
no song today. no equivocation, or ambiguity. no ifs, ands, or buts. there are plenty of whys...
i got served today. divorce papers, i mean. patience is a virtue, but it's never been my strong suit. i know it can get better. i even believe it will. but i don't know how much longer i can do this. forever, i guess. but i hate every moment of it. i miss my kids. i miss my Ywife. i'm still mourning what could have been, what could still be, if Yshe'd only try.
but trying is the one thing Yshe was never willing to do. Yshe tried at everything else. church, homework, housework, acting in Love. everything except actually having a relationship with me. Yshe confirmed my worst fears the other night: Yshe hasn't really Loved me since about a year into Your marriage. Yshe's barely even liked me, most of the time. Yshe had one foot out the door already, & i gave Yher just the excuse Yshe needed to go ahead & go.
Yshe won't forgive me, because Yshe doesn't Love me. even if Yshe did forgive me, Yshe wouldn't stay. i've forgiven Yher for everything sin Yshe ever committed against me, even the ones Yshe won't admit to. but only because it was easy, because i still Love Yher so much.
so that's where it stands. Yshe's elated at Yher newfound freedom, & i'm devastated at the loss of my entire life in one decision that i was never given a chance to influence.
it was never about anything i did or didn't do; Yshe just got bored with me. Yshe's ready to move on to the next relationship, find the next guy to keep Yher occupied for a while. but what then? if Yshe won't learn to open up, be real, be emotionally honest, Yshe'll forever be doomed to relive the same mistakes over & over. but if Yshe finally finds a man for whom Yshe's actually willing to put in a little hard work, try to have a real relationship, Yshe'll have found the key to happiness.
but if Yshe ever finds that man, & it's not me, how can i go on? why couldn't it have been me? it could've been me. why not? there's got to be a reason. because i've already done too much to hurt Yher? because Yshe's already bored of me? must it be someone new? why?
why?
i got served today. divorce papers, i mean. patience is a virtue, but it's never been my strong suit. i know it can get better. i even believe it will. but i don't know how much longer i can do this. forever, i guess. but i hate every moment of it. i miss my kids. i miss my Ywife. i'm still mourning what could have been, what could still be, if Yshe'd only try.
but trying is the one thing Yshe was never willing to do. Yshe tried at everything else. church, homework, housework, acting in Love. everything except actually having a relationship with me. Yshe confirmed my worst fears the other night: Yshe hasn't really Loved me since about a year into Your marriage. Yshe's barely even liked me, most of the time. Yshe had one foot out the door already, & i gave Yher just the excuse Yshe needed to go ahead & go.
Yshe won't forgive me, because Yshe doesn't Love me. even if Yshe did forgive me, Yshe wouldn't stay. i've forgiven Yher for everything sin Yshe ever committed against me, even the ones Yshe won't admit to. but only because it was easy, because i still Love Yher so much.
so that's where it stands. Yshe's elated at Yher newfound freedom, & i'm devastated at the loss of my entire life in one decision that i was never given a chance to influence.
it was never about anything i did or didn't do; Yshe just got bored with me. Yshe's ready to move on to the next relationship, find the next guy to keep Yher occupied for a while. but what then? if Yshe won't learn to open up, be real, be emotionally honest, Yshe'll forever be doomed to relive the same mistakes over & over. but if Yshe finally finds a man for whom Yshe's actually willing to put in a little hard work, try to have a real relationship, Yshe'll have found the key to happiness.
but if Yshe ever finds that man, & it's not me, how can i go on? why couldn't it have been me? it could've been me. why not? there's got to be a reason. because i've already done too much to hurt Yher? because Yshe's already bored of me? must it be someone new? why?
why?
posted by starbuck at 19:54
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