obligatory Christmas post

one of the advantages of having Christmas a few days earlier, is that you have the opportunity to get your photos out before anyone else has even taken any. so here's the big, tongue-wagging photo-post:

josh's scarf, made by auntie fro. complete with bunny-ears by scoupe.

abbey's very fluffy scarf, also a frogurl original.

mary got a hat. a hat every bit as cute as necessary, for such an adorable little girl. the sunglasses complete the ensemble, also from fro.
a timely gift from a thoughtful uncle scoupe.
are these guys cool, or what? Josh is a master of photojournalism at age 7. can't wait til he has his own camera (tomorrow).

a special thanks to scoupe, fro & DEG, for covering every single thing on my wish-list for the kids. you guys saved Christmas. also to darren's anonymous mom, for helping with the bikes. they LOVED them! hard times show you how good your good friends are, & i'm glad to know every one of y'all. you've been a blessing in other ways than material, & i Love you all for it.

merry Christmas!!!

shameless Christmas wish

"she's throwing it all away" -phil collins or genesis
"cigarette lighter Love song" -butch walker or marvelous3
"don't say goodbye" -3rd day
"two sets of jones'" -big tent revival
"the heart of the matter" don henley
"send in the clowns" -frank sinatra
"swallowed" -bush
"why do i" -vince gill
"the freshmen" -the verve pipe
"gone" -montgomery gentry
"a better man" -clint black
"patience" -guns n' roses
"good" -better than ezra
"smoke in her hair" -daniel deerfoot (reprise by DEG)
"your wildest dreams" -moody blues
"shack's mom's song" -veggie tales (reprise by DEG)

this is the sountrack to November, 2006
if anyone has the time & know-how, i'd Love to get this in my stocking.

ECCESIASTES 3

think of me every day
hold tight to what i say
then i'll be near to you
even from far away

know that wherever you are
it is never too far
if you think of me
i'll be with you
--junior asparagus

my marriage will soon be officially over. the real stink of it that i'm better off without her. seems strange to say, & i guess it is a strange thing. i concentrate better without her around. how sad for both of us. the fact is, she came between me & GOD. that's not her fault; i put her there. and if she'd never left me, i would probably have never removed her from that pedestal.
seaing the person i thought she was suddenly transform into who she currently is, is a sobering experience. Loving her is harder, now. wanting the best for her is hard, when i sea how much she's benefitting, materially, from leaving me. i don't say these things because i'm angry, though i am.
she needs healing. she will not open up to anyone. not me, ever; not anyone. she refuses to be vulnerable, & misses the best life has to offer.
she wants to limit me to seaing my children once a week. i will never agree to that. anything else, i can stomach. not that. they need me now more than ever, & i will not abandon them to appease her. i saw them yesterday, & already i miss them. i know they miss me, by their words & their actions. i haven't gone a day without speaking to them, & i don't intend to. i cannot let them down now, of all times.

1PETER 4:8

once upon a time
once when you were mine
i remember skies
reflecting in you eyes
i wonder where you are
i wonder if you think about me
once upon a time
in your qildest dreams

once the world was new
our bodies felt the mourning dew
that greets the brand new day
we couldn't tear ourselves away
i wonder if you care
i wonder if you still remember
once upon a time
in your wildest dreams

when the music plays
when the words are touched with sorrow
when the music plays
i hear the sound i had to follow
once upon a time

once beneath the stars
the universe was ours
Love was all we knew
and all i knew was you
i wonder if you know
i wonder if you think about it
once upon a time
in your wildest dreams
--moody blues

i Love Yher no less today than yesterday, but i have to let Yher go. let Yher live Yher own life, if that's truly what Yshe wants to do. if ever a day comes wen Yshe regrets Yher decision, i will be here, waiting to welcome Yher home. until then, i can only go on with my life, offering Yher a GODly Love, & nothing else.

ISAIAH 40:31

no song today. no equivocation, or ambiguity. no ifs, ands, or buts. there are plenty of whys...

i got served today. divorce papers, i mean. patience is a virtue, but it's never been my strong suit. i know it can get better. i even believe it will. but i don't know how much longer i can do this. forever, i guess. but i hate every moment of it. i miss my kids. i miss my Ywife. i'm still mourning what could have been, what could still be, if Yshe'd only try.
but trying is the one thing Yshe was never willing to do. Yshe tried at everything else. church, homework, housework, acting in Love. everything except actually having a relationship with me. Yshe confirmed my worst fears the other night: Yshe hasn't really Loved me since about a year into Your marriage. Yshe's barely even liked me, most of the time. Yshe had one foot out the door already, & i gave Yher just the excuse Yshe needed to go ahead & go.
Yshe won't forgive me, because Yshe doesn't Love me. even if Yshe did forgive me, Yshe wouldn't stay. i've forgiven Yher for everything sin Yshe ever committed against me, even the ones Yshe won't admit to. but only because it was easy, because i still Love Yher so much.
so that's where it stands. Yshe's elated at Yher newfound freedom, & i'm devastated at the loss of my entire life in one decision that i was never given a chance to influence.
it was never about anything i did or didn't do; Yshe just got bored with me. Yshe's ready to move on to the next relationship, find the next guy to keep Yher occupied for a while. but what then? if Yshe won't learn to open up, be real, be emotionally honest, Yshe'll forever be doomed to relive the same mistakes over & over. but if Yshe finally finds a man for whom Yshe's actually willing to put in a little hard work, try to have a real relationship, Yshe'll have found the key to happiness.
but if Yshe ever finds that man, & it's not me, how can i go on? why couldn't it have been me? it could've been me. why not? there's got to be a reason. because i've already done too much to hurt Yher? because Yshe's already bored of me? must it be someone new? why?
why?