wanted:

in search of an appropriately themed side-kick, to aid in quest to rid the earth of ignorance, pomposity & moderation. ex-cons welcome, as you will be paid in cigarettes.

please, no spokespersons, present or former.


















...unless you currently represent verizon wireless.
(please-please-PLEASE call)














please apply promptly, as this opening will be filled as quickly as possible.

oh, & the Hero of Chappaquiddick need not apply, either.

italicized tangents

...in keeping w/my usual habit of getting things done well in advance of the deadline, no matter how tedious the task, i filed my taxes this mourning, at least 13hrs before they were due...

...so tomorrow, i'm calling h&r block, to sea if it's too late for them to fix 'em. i'm pretty sure i screwed 'em up badly. i'm getting back @ $1,000 less in federal, & @ the same in state (which equals owing $400 to gov. Sonny)...

...speaking of him, he signed the bill today, to make illegals illegal. you know, the law that makes breaking the law against the law...

...wait, did i say illegals? i meant "undocumented immigrants," of course...

...by the way, pass the word: islamic terrorists are henceforth to be referred to as "terrorists who abusively invoke the religion of islam." you know, the religion that directs followers who encounter infidels to either convert, enslave or kill them. yeah, the religion of peace. that's the one...

...speaking of murder, there's gon' be some dead mexicanas, if they don't show up for work on the 1st. apparently the 1st 2or3 rally/boycotts didn't get the point across, so there's another one on...

...oh, & i didn't actually send any $ w/my state return. think they'll notice? whatever. if they come lookin' for it, i'm goin' freedom fighter on their asses...

...know how much $ was wired from georgia to mexico last year? 9 billion dollars. where's the irs on that one? i'm keepin' my $409.00, & there ain't nothin' you can do @ it...

...'cause if they come take it, i'm filing for welfare, & then i'll just get it back, plus your $, too.

so i noticed something today, in my wanderings through the local blogosphere: fro still has her care-bear picture on her profile. fine w/me, since we're actually irish, & don't revert back to whatever european mutt we really were @ the stroke of last call in the wee hours of march 18th.

but my profile, (which i've been editing frequently, in hopes of surpassing fro in # of hits,) has a picture of me looking irish*. not to rub it in, or anything. ok, maybe just a little. all this to say:

"i'm more irish than you are!"

(so it's not actually possible, given that we share the same parents, but it's still fun to stick out your tongue @ a sibling every now & then, yaknow? by the way, scoupe is hereby prohibited from commenting on this post.)

*disclaimer: said photo is 10 years old, & taken @ such an angle that nearly anyone would appear to possess elfin features.

static

just to remind anyone who's forgotten, & reiterate since i've gone awhile w/out saying it:

i hate my job.

i hate my boss.

& i may have to quit my job, just to get a day off.

onomatopoeia

so, i get home yesterday in a funk, & set about journaling aggressively. yes. aggressive is the appropriate word, i promise. unlike when the cop wrote me a ticket for "aggressive driving." whatever, man. i drive pro-actively.

anyway, i'm complaining that i wish i were stupider, b/c then life would be easier & more fun. honestly, i really said (wrote) so. but then i figure, since i' can't be as dumb as i want to be, i may as well expend my efforts on something more useful than complaining.

so i invented a new personality, a relative, & an unlikely sequence of events to write about. the idea is that this short story can be the 1st part of the 1st chapter of the Great American Novel. i realize that the actualization of such a far-fetched dream is still very unlikely, & a good ways off in any event, but i've never been closer to it.

feels nice. i made something. who knew i could do that?

my best friend wants me dead

it seems i have a birthday gift from fro, waiting to be recieved. which means Marlboro wasn't the only one to get me something this year. still, fro's gonna have to try pret-ty hard to beat Marlboro's gift: a credit-card-shaped bottle opener.

good ole' Marlboro. never forgets my birthday. last year, i got a deck of playing cards & a "butt bag," an odor-proof pouch in which to temporarily store cigarette butts when there isn't an ash tray handy. like on the flight to vegas. and the cards! Marlboro must be psychic!

the year before that, i got a nifty little lighter cover which, when slipped easily over any standard-sized BIC lighter, transforms it into a fashionably antique-looking Marlboro lighter. that's in addition to the free Zippo i got for filling out the Marlboro mailing list in the 1st place.

Camel never sends me anything. you'd think Camel didn't even care if i was alive or dead. all i ever get is the occasional cigarette coupons. too occasional, in fact, causing me to have to use the coupons Marlboro sends to fill in the gaps. i like Camel so much better, but Marlboro knows how to treat a guy, ya know?

did i mention Marlboro also sent me a bar-be-que cookbook on the 4th of July? and a free cd, on a tuesday? yep, Marlboro's the best friend a guy could ever have.

thanks.

scoupe, for the offer of going out Saturday.
fro, for the text message.
karen, for the comment. (how'd you know, though?)
eduardo, for the wishes.
dad, for the card.
also a silent shout-out to those who'll never hear it here:
j.w., for the card.
amy, for the card w/ the cute little ass on it.

without you guys, my birthday would've come & gone, leaving me $1.00 richer, as usual.